My son is turning four this month. When I look back at my limited experience of mothering (he is my first and only-born), I am always humbled whenever I realize that I can no longer count the number of times I’ve apologized to him.

While I’ve heard my fair share of stories within my generation of parents who never or barely said “sorry,” I am encouraged by how many of my fellow peers are now breaking the cycle of apology-less parenting.

Here’s why I make it a point to apologize to my son whenever I make a mistake:

Repair is a necessary life skill, and it’s never too early to demonstrate it. You got into an argument with your spouse in front of your kids? Okay, perhaps not your finest moment, and it will probably happen multiple times throughout your marriage (and “healthy” fighting is a topic for another day) – but what your kids will be watching intently is how you and your spouse handle or repair the conflict.

It’s the same when you have inevitable conflicts with your child. We will never be perfect parents; and when we make mistakes, it can be easy to hide behind the “authority” card to justify our non-apology.

When our kids consistently see us model repair, when they are recipients of our sincere apologies when it is called for, we equip them to “repair well” in their future friendships and relationships.

A lot of the hesitation and caution parents feel when it comes to apologizing to their kids can stem from a misguided understanding of authority. I’m the parent, so why should I have to apologize? Other times, it can be rooted in the fear of being perceived as a pushover.

But for a lot of parents, it can be a case of what was or wasn’t modeled to them by their own moms and dads. It was never in their family’s culture to apologize or be apologized to; they just sweep it under the rug and act like nothing happened when emotions cool down.

For me, it’s a mixture of fear and pride. During the first few blow-ups with my son, it took so much effort for me to put together a decent apology and to get the words out of my mouth! Even just saying “I’m sorry” felt so alien to me.

I would be tempted to justify my behavior and explain it away with the usual “mom cards” – overstimulated, sleep-deprived, extremely burned out. But really, while those are valid experiences,  managing those was (and is) not my child’s responsibility.

Parenting has a powerful and unique way of exposing our history and patterns. It invites us to break negative cycles that are not healthy for us and our relationship with our kids. So if you find it hard to apologize to your child, try to get to the root of what you’re feeling and find a way to address it in a way that protects and strengthens the relationship.

Whenever I recall the most sincere apologies I’ve received, what stands out to me is how I felt receiving them. They made me feel important and loved. They assured me that what I felt mattered – even when I sometimes played my own part in the conflict.

When we literally lose our cool over our kids unintentionally breaking an expensive gadget, challenging our authority in the most unexpected ways, or even just being extra-whiny on an already-rough day, it can be so easy to chalk up our hurtful words or actions to how they defied us, how they weren’t being careful, or how they made us feel. We then conclude that it’s not us who should be apologizing, but them.

The truth is, apologizing to your child in these instances doesn’t diminish your authority as a parent, nor does it lessen the gravity of what they did wrong.

Needless to say, discipline and correction for instances where our child did do something wrong is still warranted. It doesn’t contradict the apology.

Hold off on the litany of things your kid did wrong. Get down on their level and find out why they did what they did.

Here are examples of statements you can use:

“Can you help me understand why you ________?” (specify the behavior)

“What were you feeling when you ________?” (specify the behavior)

“I want to understand where you’re coming from. Can you tell me more about how you were feeling?”

To model healthy repair, our kids need to see us owning up to our part of the problem. The more specific we are, the better.

Here are some statements you can use:

“I lost my temper and shouted at you today, and that wasn’t a good choice.”

“I was feeling frustrated and upset. I didn’t handle that well.”

“I didn’t believe you, but now I know you were telling the truth.”

For an apology to really be an apology, the words “I’m sorry” should be verbalized! And not casually, in passing, or in a dismissive way like “Sorry na, okay?” This is the heart of the apology.

I personally think that the weight of the words “I’m sorry, anak” versus just “sorry” has so much more meaning to it. “I’m” reflects our admission and fault and “anak” underscores the importance of our relationship with our child.

While our kids can be some of the most gracious and forgiving humans on the planet, we need to actually give them the opportunity to respond to our apology.

“Will you forgive me?” is a powerful question that takes humility on the part of the parent. It gives our child the power to participate in the restoration of the relationship. We don’t assume that all is well just because we said sorry – it values the younger party’s role in reconciliation. It takes two, after all.

It is an education to both you and your child when you verbalize how you plan to move forward after the conflict. It first binds us as parents to a commitment to do better in very specific ways and then teaches your child how they can also respond when they find themselves in a similar situation moving forward.

Here are some phrases to try:

“Next time I’m feeling upset, I’ll remember to take deep breaths first.” (if your child is watching any TV show that teaches healthy regulation skills, you can mention these too as they’ll probably remember them!)

“I will be sure to ask for your side of the story first before I jump to any conclusions.”

Just keep in mind that these shouldn’t be empty commitments – your child will likely keep you accountable for these!

Your child can smell inauthenticity from a mile away – you’d be amazed by what and how much they pick up from our tone of voice, body language, and other non-verbal cues!

Make those conversations count – don’t apologize just to keep the peace. Don’t delay it, but don’t do it while your emotions are running high, either. Find the right time for both of you to repair the relationship, and be intentional about it.

How has apologizing to your child improved your relationship with them? Share your stories in the comments below!