What Postpartum Moms Really Need You to Know

One of the most misunderstood times in a mom’s life is postpartum, or the period after she gives birth. Meeting her new self excites and disorients her at the same time, making her second guess her thoughts, feelings, and decisions the way she never did before. It’s no surprise the people around her have a tendency to misread her.

No one else can fully understand what she goes through during postpartum, except maybe for other moms. But this doesn’t mean she won’t try to explain how she feels. After all, she needs all the help she can get. So here are a few things postpartum moms really need you to know.

You notice the changes in her body. She feels the weight of it all.
You may or may not notice all the physical changes postpartum gave her: hair fall, nasty breakouts, dry skin, and unwanted bulges. It’s either you say it directly, subtly, or not at all.

Whether she hears your observations or not, a postpartum mom feels the weight of being in her new shell, a figure that might be far from how she used to know her body. She wants to move to get back in shape, to fix herself, to put on makeup, and to dress up. But she might not have the energy yet to do so.

There’s no quick fix to all of these, so she needs reassurance that you see her not as a stranger, but as a person who’s undergoing a beautiful metamorphosis.

You believe she has all the time in the world. She lives in small pockets of time.
“Oh, she’s just at home.”

Yes, she is, but she’s not idle. The bulk of her time goes to baby rearing, and a lot of thinking about her baby’s current and future needs. While you think she’s just starting into space, she’s probably calculating the family budget, penciling in the next pedia visit, and all the other things in between.

Then she needs to attend to her own daily routine such as eating and bathing. If she’s lucky enough to have a reliable kasambahay or a trusted family member by her side, she’ll eat and bathe in small pockets of time, as if everything she does is on timer mode. There’s no other choice: she’s got to do things fast. The three to five minutes is all the time she has.

As a working mom without any help at home, postpartum is like being an electric oven. Just like an oven can do many things such as bake, grill, and roast, I juggle household chores, caring for my baby, and preparing meals for myself and my husband. Also, when you cook something in an oven, you have to be mindful of the time, much like in motherhood. Mommy Abby, 7 months postpartum

You think she turned antisocial. She barely even has time for herself.
You ask her how she is, and she’d shrug or give you a one-word answer that barely touches the surface of how she really feels. You send her messages and you see the tiny word “seen” at the bottom right of your screen, which made you feel motherhood has turned her aloof or antisocial.

The truth is, she doesn’t even have enough time to hear her thoughts well. In the middle of her baby’s wailing, she gasps for air and asks for a time out, a time she can spend all to herself. No, she didn’t dodge you. She might even have thought she gave you a reply but didn’t. Her hands are full. She may not be able to reply to you in the meantime but she will, eventually.

You don’t have to take it personally. She just needs her time and she will definitely go back to you when she’s ready.

You feel like she’s gone resentful. She craves for genuine connection.
You hear her respond in a way that irked you for the nth time today. Why is she always angry? To correct the behavior you’re not liking, you retaliate, and the house explodes with voices the baby doesn’t need to hear.

She wanted you to know how she wanted to respond all so lovingly, but sometimes it could be challenging to do so when her sleep is short and interrupted, with no end in sight. She wants people to remember this, to see all the unseen work of motherhood, and to notice how her seemingly little efforts take an unbelievable chunk of her energy.

She loves her baby more than anyone in the world, but she also craves for someone to see her through, someone to tell her it’s all going to be okay, and that the hardships she’s in are all just part of a phase.

Postpartum feels like being an insufficiently charged phone required to perform 10 tasks in a single hour every day. It’s the most sleep-deprived days of my life. I forgot how it feels to have sleepless nights in school and at work. This one feel forever. Mommy Jera, 6 weeks postpartum

You tell her to savor and enjoy. She does, but she also feels a range of conflicting emotions.
She is in the middle of discovering herself as a new mom, and it might not always show that she’s grateful – but she is. Finally having her baby in her arms is a dream she’s been having for the past nine months.

But know that it’s not bad for her to miss the life she used to live before, a life that allows her to do anything extensively. It’s inevitable for her to feel that her hands are somewhat tied right now. She misses her old life and loves her new life at the same time, and she won’t always communicate it with you because of either guilt or shame.

Postpartum is like riding a roller coaster for the first time. You hear all the hype and know it's going to be a wild ride but you’re not quite sure if you’ll be screaming for joy or crying for help the entire time. Either way, you’re holding on tight, just hoping you’ll make it through with your sanity and a few stories to tell! Mommy Prei, 1 month postpartum