“But, why?”
I hear this question dozens of times from my curious toddler and my adolescent students. Whether it’s about mundane rules or moral conflicts, kids often turn to us for clarity. Now, as the world feels scary with ongoing conflict, how do I answer their questions when I myself cannot fully understand the distressing news I read on my phone everyday?
Talking to children about war and conflict is never easy. As parents, our first instinct is to protect our kids from fear and pain. But in today’s world where news travels fast and even young children hear about violence and unrest almost daily, it’s more important than ever that we have honest conversations with them.
How exactly do we do that? We talked to two child development and communication experts on how we can navigate difficult conversations with kids about war. Here’s what they want us parents to know:
It might be our first instinct to talk and explain in an attempt to make things clear, but before offering anything, we can ask our child first what they know. We might be surprised at what they’ve already gathered from friends, social media, or overheard conversations.
“Talking to our children about war and conflict instead of waiting for them to ask can be a proactive way to help our children navigate through these events,” suggests Dr. Jim Rey Baloloy, an educator, clinical psychologist, and owner of Ranga Psychosocial Services.
Moreover, Dr. Baloloy reminds us to listen carefully and let our kids share their feelings of fear, confusion, anger, or sadness. Saying something like, “That sounds really scary. I’m glad you told me” can be a simple way to acknowledge their emotions without brushing them aside.
Karen Ruth Lorenzana Reyes, MAEd, LPT, an Executive Function Coach and Senior Lecturer in UP Diliman, shares: “I remember reading a short story about a child trying to carry a heavy bag. She seemed mature for her age, willing to carry it alone. But her adult companion said something like: ‘I will carry this load for you, and maybe with you, until you’re strong enough to carry it on your own.’ That story resonates with me when I think about how much information we give children. It’s a balance: we want to inform without overwhelming.”
Teacher Karen makes this clear by citing an example. “During the pandemic, we learned how to explain hard things using honest, simple words, ‘People are sick, so we need to stay home.’ The same principle applies: tell the truth, but with the child in mind. Use concrete language over abstract ideas.”
She also suggests using storybooks and play to answer our kids’ questions honestly. “These are safe bridges between their inner world and the reality we want to explain. Storytelling has always been a part of our culture, use it,” she urges. Moreover, puppet play, sandobox play, and open-ended storytelling (“What do you think happens next?”) “are powerful tools to process heavy emotions without dumping too much reality all at once,” says Teacher Karen.
Since war challenges safety and security, our children need to feel safe. If the conflict is far from home, explain that it’s happening in another part of the world and that many people are working to keep everyone safe. If the conflict is closer to home, focus on what’s being done by community leaders, schools, and helpers to protect people.
Teacher Karen suggests that we understand first the possible fears from their perspective: “It’s the fear of the unknown, paired with their own imaginations, that often causes distress. So I validate first: ‘That sounds scary. I hear you.’ Then I remind them: ‘I’m here. You can ask me anything. I’ll keep you safe.’” She also suggests that, if needed, outlets like drawing, writing, listening to music, or activities that ground the body can be helpful for both kids and parents because sometimes emotions feel too big for words so we may need non-verbal ways of expressing them.
While discussing, we can also check if our kids are starting to get overwhelmed. Teacher Karen says we must watch out for signs of anxiety such as disrupted sleep, tummy aches, irritability, or regressions in behavior, because our children communicate that things are too big for them when these signs show.
Without our guidance, our kids are bound to make their own conclusions about the war, may it be right or wrong. Dr. Baloloy lays it clearly: “War is never a good idea. There are often themes of discrimination, violence, and the idea of ‘bad people’ versus ‘good people’. These themes may not only endorse stigma and discrimination in the minds of our children, it can also lead to ideas supporting behaviors that are closer to home, like bullying.”
While these conversations will feel difficult for us parents and our kids, they can help us get to know our children better and learn about how they view the world and other people. Talking to them about conflict can give us insights on how we can encourage them to build on the values that we want them to develop.
Dr Baloloy supports this by saying, “Children, like adults, carry with them different values. What we can do is to help them clarify what these values are. Despite the conflict around us, what kind of person do they want to be? Maybe they will say it’s important to them that they stay kind, humble, generous, or forgiving. You’d be surprised how much insight they have! We can then help them focus more on what they can do to be those kinds of people. It is in these acting out of their values that we can have a bit of hope for how they will shape their future.”
Feeling like we have no power to change things can be overwhelming, especially for children. Depending on their age, our kids may find comfort in helping others by writing a letter, donating to a relief organization, or attending a community event. These can give our children a sense of purpose and connection to others when they feel helpless during times of conflict.
Help doesn’t need to come in big packages. Teacher Karen emphasizes that “Small actions matter. Drawing a picture of hope, saying a prayer, helping someone in need build a sense of kapwa (shared humanity) and bayanihan (community care). These are not just Filipino values, they’re powerful antidotes to fear and helplessness.”
Talking to our kids about war and unrest is not a one-shot deal. They may have more questions later on, or there may be developments in the situation that will require us to revisit our conversations. Either way, our children should know they can always come to us if they need to talk more.
Dr. Baloloy emphasizes the importance of communication: “As we share our answers, it is also helpful to keep in mind that children learn how to react to situations around them by observing how we react. So, we may want to notice our own emotional responses and make sure we do not overshare our own emotions about the conflict. We can minimize distress by always reassuring them that they are safe and that while there are people involved in fighting, there are also people who are working hard for peace.”
Whenever there are questions we’re not sure of answering, Dr. Baloloy assures: “Sometimes, we don’t know the answers to their questions. It’s okay, we tell them we don’t know. We can always find out together. It can even be a good opportunity to facilitate how our kids can acquire information and use technology in a healthy way by looking for credible sources of information.”
Talking about war can be uncomfortable and difficult, but silence from us can make the situation even tougher if our children feel confused and alone without our guidance. Your calm presence, honest answers, and loving support will help your child feel grounded even in a conflicted and uncertain world.
By being there for them, we are not just helping them understand the world and all its complexities; we are teaching them how to face it with hope and kindness.