For the first two years of my daughter’s life, I grappled with the strong irrational belief that our family would be better off without me. I loved her so much, but I was terrified that something bad would happen to her because of me. I felt guilty and unqualified to take on the challenges of being her mother. Despite all my years of studying and teaching Psychology, I fell into the same cycle that so many mothers often do and tried to quietly endure it alone. I kept hearing that as long as baby is healthy, nothing else matters and I internalized it to the point that my marriage and my own health became afterthoughts. It took many tears, arguments, and long emotional discussions before my husband finally convinced me that I needed professional help.

Most fathers hope that, in the event of an emergency, they can be protectors for their families. Whether it’s the threat of a natural disaster or the dangers of online interactions, dads often serve as the first line of defense for their loved ones and this can include being guardians of our well-being. Had it not been for my husband’s continuous support and intervention, I probably would not have noticed or sought help for the downward spiral of my mental health.

Here are some things dads should know about postpartum depression:

Postpartum depression can affect up to 20% of all mothers and 10% of fathers. In Filipino culture, it still feels taboo to discuss symptoms and share experiences because wives might be seen as “weird” or attention-seeking. The truth is that far too many parents suffer in silence while their postpartum depression symptoms go unchecked.

In my case, I tried so hard to “be strong” and to keep everything quiet but my husband could tell I was not okay and he became a safe space for me to talk about how I was really feeling. I needed someone to tell me that what I was going through was not the norm and definitely not healthy. That was the first step I needed to take while he kept encouraging me to seek professional help and to invest resources in my recovery.

Depression is always associated with sadness, lack of energy, loss of appetite, and unwillingness to interact but that’s not always the case for everyone. Some postpartum depression symptoms aren’t obvious.

To a lot of people, I seemed fine. I was posting cute and funny things online, I was having conversations with friends and family, and I did my absolute best to act like I was tired but otherwise happy. My husband was quick to notice that I was extremely irritable and anxious about even the smallest things about our baby, to the point that I couldn’t eat or sleep or enjoy anything because I was so afraid of something bad happening.

He pointed out that I had given up on all my hobbies and interests and that I was turning to junk food and nonstop scrolling on my phone to cope with my feelings. No matter how well I tried to hide my symptoms, the people who knew me best were the ones who could tell that I was not okay.

There is a common narrative in Filipino culture that the “baby blues” will go away once the mother starts dieting and exercising to “return” to her pre-baby figure. While movement and consuming healthier food can definitely have a positive impact on body image and overall health, it can be misleading to reduce the complexity of postpartum depression to only body image concerns.

I knew that my body was the least of my concerns while I grappled with feelings of guilt that I was failing as a wife and mother. No yoga or Pilates class was ever enough to deal with the neurochemical shifts going on in my body or to cover up the irrational thoughts racing through my mind.

My spouse finally sat me down to advocate for my mental health by pushing me to seek professional help. He knew that I was struggling to find solutions on my own and had reached a point that I needed to talk to a licensed psychologist about my symptoms.

Even with excellent professional help, recovering from postpartum depression will not happen overnight. It may take weeks, months, or even more before a new mother can feel like she has regained her balance, and progress won’t always look like a straight line.

I was fortunate enough to have a partner who understood that sometimes mental health struggles can look like one step forward and then two steps back. He took over nearly all the house chores, literally fed me when baby absolutely refused to leave my arms, and forced me to take showers and go on walks on days when I just wanted to drown in my own misery and guilt. I was able to take time to find myself again because I knew that baby and I were loved and supported.

It can be tempting to go into “problem solving” mode when you feel like your wife is struggling with her mental health after having a baby, but trying to fix things for her might not be very helpful in the long run. Listening, validating her feelings, and just being present can be the most powerful things you can do instead. It’s not your responsibility to make sure that she is okay, but your role is to support her journey. Even during times when you’re struggling to understand her or when she can’t express herself clearly, just hold her hand and remind her that will be there through all the rough patches. Remember to also be mindful of your own mental health and don’t hesitate to talk to a professional if needed.

Although he will never in a million years ever accept it, I credit my husband for saving me and our family through those difficult patches. Whenever I saw him hand washing our clothes in between Zoom meetings and singing silly made-up songs to our child to distract her while I got a few minutes of peace to eat a hot meal, tiny slivers of hope would pierce through the fog of depression because I knew, without a doubt, that I chose the best man to be my baby’s father.

One of my life’s goals is to make sure my daughter grows up knowing how her father (and grandfather!) set the true standard for what a husband should do for his family by being a true partner and a stable safe space during periods of emotional chaos. He may not be the type to buy lavish gifts or make grand romantic gestures, but he wipes away my tears and holds my hand when I feel unsteady. He doesn’t solve my problems for me, but talks with me through strategies and plans on how I can figure it out on my own. He celebrates me when I succeed, cheers me up when I fail, and makes sure that he is present for our family in every way that truly counts.