I’ve heard from a fellow mom before that parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets to a different level of hard. One day you’re struggling with sleepless nights, multiple feedings and diaper changes, and then the next thing you know you’ve already gotten enough rest but then you’re in the throes of potty training. And then once you’ve hurdled over that, there’s the next challenge waiting.
One challenge I am most fearful of encountering is bullying. And the fear I have of my feisty child being the bully rather than being the one bullied is unmatched. So much so that when another school parent told the class adviser on the group chat about a private message, my mind immediately went, “Oh no, did my kid cause any trouble?”
My daughter didn’t really do anything and it was just my anxiety speaking. But it’s a question that genuinely got me curious: how will I cope if my child is a bully?
To answer this, I sought help from Jet Mendoza, a practicing guidance counselor for 14 years, and Pepper, a learning specialist and Student Services Team Learning Leader in an international school. Here’s what I learned.
It’s important to understand that there’s always a root cause when kids resort to bullying. “Bullying sometimes happens because children are trying to cope with complex emotions, seek attention, or fit in with their peers,” Jet explains. “Rather than being inherently bad, these children may be acting out due to unmet emotional needs or difficult personal experiences.”
It’s a disheartening thought but, as Jet adds, some cases of bullying are perpetrated by those who have experienced violence themselves within their homes or communities.
Pepper also has this to share about bullying: “Usually bullying happens when they [children] are also, you know, traumatized or bullied by somebody else, and then they want to seek control over some other relationship.”
Whatever the reason is, no parent wants their child to experience bullying, whether as a victim or a perpetrator. It’s only natural to feel a range of emotions if you learn that your child has been involved in a case of bullying. Once the initial shock and shame have passed, though, it’s important to take action and converse with the child.
It’s only in being calm that you can connect again with your child. According to Jet, “As parents, it is essential to manage your own emotions first. Remaining calm allows you to convey a sense of reassurance and stability to your child.”
Pepper also says, “Have an open dialogue where you’re not feeding any scenarios and where you’re asking the child what happened in a way that isn’t threatening to them.”
“When I talk to students or my children if and when they’re involved in an incident, I try to talk to them in a neutral tone and assure them how this information will be used and how important it is for them to tell me what happened so I can understand,” Pepper continues.
Remind them that you are their safe space and though it might be difficult, you are not there to judge them, but to understand them. And when there is understanding, empathy follows.
In my consultation with Jet and Pepper, I noticed that they both used the same keyword in helping prevent bullying: empathy. Jet explains, “At times, children who bully have difficulties with social cues and empathizing with others.”
“Teaching children empathy is a critical step in preventing bullying behaviors. Help your child understand the perspective of others by encouraging them to ‘put themselves in someone else’s shoes,’ particularly that of the person being bullied,” she further shares.
Pepper also echoes this sentiment. “I think the basic quality that one needs to help develop in their children is empathy. If you have empathy, you know you don’t want to hurt others.”
As parents, we can only do so much when it comes to understanding and empathizing with our children. It’s really up to us parents to model and shape the desired behavior we want to see in them. The best way is to provide a loving environment while setting clear boundaries for everyone in the family.
As parents, we are also empowered to guide and set them up with the right strategies of coping when difficulties arise.
“Encourage your child to describe situations that have caused them frustration, and guide them in exploring constructive and non-harmful ways to respond,” Jet says. Tap into your kid’s strengths to find out what works best for them in deflecting bullying behaviors, may it be writing, creating art, or playing a sport.
But know that you don’t have to carry the burden alone when the issue of bullying becomes unbearable. As advised by Jet, “If the child has difficulty articulating the reasons behind their behavior, seeking the assistance of a guidance counselor, or other mental health professionals trained in working with children may be beneficial.”
You can reach out to Jet Mendoza via this Facebook page.
What are your thoughts on this topic, Moms? Share them with us in the comments below!