When we were kids, we wished our parents were cooler: not much imposing on rules, jiving with our interests, and talking to us about any topic under the sun. Generally, we wanted someone who can be like our friend. Suddenly, tables turn and we are the parents. Then we realize that to be “cool” parents is easier said than done.
We are torn between being friendly so we could gain our kids’ trust, and being firm so they would respect our authority. How do we find the balance between both?
I asked three millennial moms on their take, and here are the things I learned:
As parents, we always second-guess our choices – whether we fully assert our position as parents , or we loosen up a bit to be like their friends. But research suggests that kids thrive when their parents express affection and enforce age-appropriate boundaries and restrictions. Mommy Rachel, mom of two toddlers, confidently agrees.
She narrates that as a parent, “I create boundaries between my children and I, but I also let them feel comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts to me as a way of building a healthy relationship.” She also shares that one of her kids always tells her what he feels. “He says, ‘I’m upset with you mom’ or ‘I’m mad at you mom,’ and because I wanted to be a ‘friend’ to him, I validate his emotions towards me.”
Mommy Rachel says listening to how her kids feel and validating these feelings are more important than making them feel she’s always right as a parent. But when her kids’ actions and use of words are already inappropriate, she will correct and remind them that she is still their parent.
To be our child’s friend means going beyond being fun to be with. It’s also about building a non-judgmental space where he feels heard and understood.
Mommy Dedel, mom of a 16-year-old son, says that being her son’s “friend” is about building rapport where they treat each other lovingly and with the same importance.
“Since my son is already a teenager, what’s important this time is trust, love and respect. He respects us as his parents and we respect him too. We can be a friend in a sense that he can open up to us, but surely we’ll still end up with a mother and son or father and son talk,” Mommy Dedel shares.
When it comes to parenting, as cliche as this may sound, communication is really the key.
Mommy June, mom to a 4-year-old girl, emphasizes that it is important to have a kind of connection that is built on direct and consistent communication.
She shares that her toddler sees her as both a parent and a friend: “When she did something that shouldn’t be done, I’d calmly let her know how it made me feel, and I’d also ask what led her to do that. Through her experiences as a teenager, she learned that balancing the roles of being a parent and friend relies on keeping communication lines open and being supportive to her kids.
This way, her kid knows that she can always come to her no matter what, and that she will not hesitate to open up whatever the situation is.
Some parents are closer to their kids as peers, while some maintain a good distance. There’s no right or wrong way to do it – parenting is always a balancing act, and we must learn to not be too hard on ourselves. As our child grows, our parenting style also evolves. During their early years, we may be their playmates and authority figures but later on, we transition into being their confidants and counselors.
While our child forms friendship with others as he/she grows up, there can never be another parent for them. As Mommy Dedel puts it, her child “will have a lot of friends around him, but only one set of parents in his life.”
We can be our child’s parent and friend at the same time, but only we can identify whether we’ve reached the level we desire as a parent and as a friend to our kids. Being patient with ourselves has its own rewards. Parenting, after all, is a constant process of learning and unlearning.