It’s hard to imagine the time when my daughter is in her tweens (aged 8 to 12) and would ask me if she can have her own phone and social media account. Surely, many of her friends and classmates will have their own phones and accounts by then.

While my daughter’s use of social media is not a hard no for me, it’s not also an easy yes. How do I make my daughter feel trusted without clipping her wings? As a mom and an educator, I feel the need to have a discussion with my daughter first when this time comes.

Here are the questions I have in mind to prompt a healthy dialogue with my tween regarding social media use:

Tweens are in the phase of exploring and getting to know themselves better. For me to properly weigh in on the issue, my tween needs to be clear cut on what she needs to get from social media. Will it be for connecting with classmates, updating cousins from afar, uploading photos, sharing thoughts, learn more, or others? Once the need is justified, I might allow social media use on certain conditions.

Setting ground rules regarding schedule and extent of use is crucial for me as an educator. Priorities on weekdays such as family time, mealtime, and school work should be attended to first before social media use. I may allow leeway on weekends, but this should be discussed openly among us.

Since my tween and I belong to different generations, it’s important for me to know what she considers red flags so I could fill her in. Dangers such as accepting friend requests from, or exchanging messages with complete strangers are a no-no, especially because these could lead to inappropriate content and privacy issues. Serious matters such as safety and boundaries should be addressed during our discussion.

I believe that active listening on my end is crucial during this stage. When in trouble, my tween could either say, “Oh no, my parents don’t need to know about this” or “Oh no, I have to tell my parents about this immediately.” I must be able to let her feel that I’m open to listening not only to her wins and discoveries, but also to her troubles and mistakes. This will help build confidence and trust among us and solidify her self-concept during this stage.

As much as I want to hover over my tween’s use of social media, I also want her to learn independence and accountability. Social media can be really helpful in terms of developing friendships with the same interests, and exploring and learning different information, but it can also disrupt sleep and can be highly addicting – so my tween must know when it already affects her relationship with her academics, with herself, and the people around her.

Of course, when she needs reminding, I will always be here to fulfill my role as her mom and mentor.