Exploring dynamics between a daughter- and mother-in-law is more or less a daunting task. This duo is known to always have a beef with each other, especially if boys, sons, and husbands are involved. Horror stories about MILs abound marriages, but this doesn’t mean restoring relationships should be put to the side.
So whether your MIL is scary or not, it’s high time to hear some women out and see how you can bridge the gap between you and her. Sometimes, there is more to her than meets the eye. Remember: she is part of your and your partner’s life, so try to cultivate your relationship to the best of your capacity.
How do some daughters-in-law do it? Here are real stories of, and tips for dealing with, mother-in-law mishaps!
As much as a mother can be endearing, if her child is beginning to engage with someone on a romantic scale, her fears will start kicking in. Jana, 37, speaks frankly about adventures and misadventures with her mother-in-law. Lacking confidence in the past, she used to pity herself for the cold-shoulder treatment that she seemed to have received from her MIL.
“I’m a mom now and I know how moms can sometimes be too protective of their sons, just as dads are to their daughters. My own mom did just that to my brother, so I’ve always known that I’ll probably meet someone like her in the future. When my boyfriend—who is now my husband—convinced me to live with him under the same roof, I was quite hesitant. Living together pre-marriage can be a little taboo in the Philippines, so I didn’t really know if it was a good idea,” she recalls.
However, since Jana thought that sharing a place together at the time was a practical choice, she agreed to cohabitation. She explains: “We can split the bills and have shared meals together for half the price. I can ride with him in the car going back to the province, too, since we hail from the same hometown.”
To express her distaste for her MIL’s demeaning words and sometimes, ways, Jana shares that she would then leave their apartment on purpose to prevent arguments from surfacing. “When we moved into our condo, his mom would always make parinig to me,” she says. “Admittedly, I didn’t cook that much while my husband grew up knowing how to come up with the most delicious meals. His mom took it against me, implying that his son would do most of the household chores while the ‘princess’ would just watch and sit.”
“I can’t blame her because it was true, so I put myself in her shoes. I felt guilty at the time, so I started making ligaw to her by spoiling her son more. She’s just a mom, and a mom should protect her children with her life. Kaya ngayon, sa totoo lang, nagluluto na talaga ako!” -Jana, 37
As opposed to other accounts chronicling how mothers-in-law were actually a controlling matriarch, Jia, 32, labels her MIL otherwise. “I have the coolest mother-in-law, but I never really saw that until my husband and I got married. When her son and I were just starting out as couples, I had this feeling that my mother-in-law never liked me. She would always give me the side-eye, and I honestly thought that I wasn’t that much welcome to visit their house. She would rarely say a word to me, and she never accepted my friend request on social media,” she muses.
According to Jia, her MIL also shares “small” secrets to her now, which she never thought would happen in this lifetime. She loves how she can be comforting to her in times of confusion and trouble, particularly in her professional pursuits. “I was a career woman even before I met his son, so I’m really determined to take up a master’s degree abroad. At first, I didn’t want to go. I hate enduring long-distance relationships, but then she told me to go after it, and that love can wait. She actually told me this: ‘Mag-asawa na kayo, ano pa bang kinatatakot mo? Sila ang matakot sa ‘yo kasi ikaw ang legal wife!’”
“When I married into the family, that’s when my mother-in-law started to warm up. I guess back then, she was just shielding her son from possible heartbreaks or break-ups. Realizing it now, I would do the same if my own son would introduce someone to me in the future. Cut your mothers-in-law or mothers-in-law-to-be some slack. They’re just moms who fear that their sons might get hurt. It may also be an attachment problem on their end, knowing that they’re the first women in their sons’ lives. Just give it some time. Your relationship will naturally bloom if you’re sincere.” -Jia, 32
Cara, 29, makes a living out of communications. Essentially, to her, having a mother-in-law whose communication efforts are subpar is absolutely spiteful. “My mother-in-law seemed to have little to no care at all for her grandchild,” she reveals. “She lives far away from where my husband and I reside, but we’re just one Facebook messenger away. Since my daughter was born and up to this day, she’s remained the same, non-existent grandma that kids would only hear about in their parents’ stories.”
“I grew up seeing grandparents excited to have their own apos, especially in a very typical Filipino household. We practice close family ties and we witness a lot of that here in the Philippines, but this one’s different. It’s as if she’s living in her own world.” Cara opens up, reacting to her own story with a sigh. “I see my mother-in-law as an indifferent soul whose face doesn’t even light up when her granddaughter talks to her. She is a loathsome diva! What an absurd, despicable lola…if she really is one!”
“I still feel bitter feelings up to now, but slowly, I’m also trying to reach out. I’m giving it a try because my daughter still deserves to get to know her. I would make my husband call her on special occasions and have our daughter talk to her more. I’m still not a hundred percent okay with her, but let’s see where this entire reaching-out thing goes. At least I know I’m doing my part, whether she is doing hers or not.” -Cara, 29
Be positive in difficult situations!
Trying to be the bigger person and shifting your perspective in situations like these is tough luck. However, it’s good to check if there is a common ground where you can count similarities instead of differences. Invest in sharing more and caring more, and communicate openly to connect. However, express yourself calmly and calculate your expectations. Not everything will function in your favor, and there is truly no easy way to make it work unless you try to understand with an open mind and an open heart. Hang tight! You got this.