Most couples who desire to have kids have a blissful picture of little ones filling the home with laughter, beautiful messes, and just lots and lots of love.

But nobody really warns you about how your relationship dynamics change once that adorable, sweet-smelling baby is in your lives and grows up to be that energetic tot you envisioned running around your house.

My husband and I are in the thick of raising a young, expressive, and curious little boy. And from the moment he was born, our relationship shifted from constantly romancing each other (in our love languages) to being more like roommates: co-existing in the same space without much meaningful shared time.

Here’s what we’re learning in this season.

Those beautiful vows you declared at the altar require intentionality to carry out – and now, with a young one who needs (and sometimes demands!) much of your time, those commitments become daunting hills to climb and conquer.

Prior to having a child, my husband and I were easily able to pull off weekly (or even multiple!) dates, shower each other with affection, and even outdo each other in acts of service.

These days, we consider it a good week if we were able to set aside a 2-hour space in those seven days where we could talk freely (about anything NOT related to our child!) and enjoy each other’s presence.

Even simple gestures like hugging each other when one of us arrives home can be a rarity – oftentimes, it’s just a quick “hello” and we’re off to our separate tasks, whether it’s childcare or attending to the needs of the home.

I am thankful that our relationship was built over a strong foundation of steady friendship through the years, but I think that sometimes that in itself can be a crutch.

While we’ve never reached a point in our marriage where we considered it “dead,” we’ve separately arrived at points where knowing we were good friends became an excuse for complacency.

I know I’ve let that thought run through me countless times through the course of parenting, when a date night would get pushed back a week, two weeks, then a month, or when I would fall asleep 10 minutes into movie night: He understands. It’s okay. He doesn’t mind. He knows it’s been hard.

We would tell ourselves the same thing over and over again – and before we knew it, years had passed by. Our child was growing up beautifully, but we were still stuck being “roomies.” We were at home together all the time, being work-from-home parents – but without much quality time for each other.

Before being parents, we were so good at hashing out our conflicts and taking as much time as we needed to come to a resolution. Long conversations were our forte.

Now, we’re constantly tempted to efficiently resolve a conflict in minutes (at the expense of really tackling the root cause), or leave it hanging and never get back to it.

As a result, resentment can breed easily, and before we’d know it, it would blow up in our faces – we’d have terrible arguments overflowing with feelings about interconnected issues and experiences. We bottled things up so much that it was hard to pinpoint where things began.

Thankfully, with a good support system in place, we’re regularly encouraged to fight for our marriage. It can be hard work, but when both are committed, it can be done. Here’s what’s helping us in this season!

Acceptance was really the key for us. For the longest time, we were so frustrated that we couldn’t have the 3- or 4-hour dates we used to have; and for us, it felt like we were already failing each other.

Once we genuinely accepted that this is what life looks like for now, we were more open and excited to create adjustments and figure out what would work.

These days, we’ve embraced the concept of daily “check-ins” – 10 to 20 minutes of uninterrupted time after we put our son to bed.

The time could be spent catching up on each other’s day, listening and empathizing if one of us had a hard moment, praying together, or even sharing hurts and asking for forgiveness.

Of course, we still try to aim for monthly dates where we could actually go out and enjoy a meal or a stroll in the mall.

One big relationship killer is unresolved conflict. And when we tell ourselves “I don’t feel like dealing with this right now” and let the conflict go unresolved for days, we create space for resentment to grow.

Now, we’re learning to address conflict as quickly as we can, whenever we’re ready. This also means intentionally preparing ourselves for the discussion, so that we’re in a good headspace to listen and understand.

There are times when it’s okay to immediately address the issue, yet there are also times when it’s important to give each other some space and come back to it at a later time. But the crucial part here is agreeing on when that time is and not leaving each other guessing – or creating an opportunity for small hurts to deepen.

More and more each day, we’re learning that marriage really is fortified in community. When you surround yourself with people who share your values and care for your marriage, it really makes all the difference.

For us, this means cultivating genuine friendships with fellow couples, seeking mentoring relationships with seasoned couples (particularly our Ninongs and Ninangs!), employing professional help for childcare when needed, accepting help from family members, and investingn in individual and couples’ counseling (no, this shouldn’t just be for marriages in deep crisis!) regularly.

For some of us, creating this support system might take more time to build because of circumstances, location, and even broken relationships. But please don’t stop trying – it’s worth it because it’s good for your marriage!

At the end of the day, allocating time for some of these entails sacrifices on our part – it may mean giving up an afternoon resting at home so that you can be with other people. But if these relationships are life-giving and soul-strengthening, they ultimately make us better spouses (and parents!).

How are you navigating “roomie” season with your spouse? Share your experiences and tips in the comments!